40 Questions All White People Need To Answer… Answered

I saw this on BuzzFeed and since I’m mostly white along with part Spanish, Brazilian/Uruguayan which means I’m probably whole bunch of other shit too, my abnormally pale skin allows me to answer these questions with a certain level of ambassadorship for the Saltine-American crowd. So… here. We. Go.

Note: Please don’t bitch about racism. This is all in good fun and I thought these questions were HILARIOUS.

1.       Why do white people call guacamole 'guac'?

I don’t personally but a lot of white people are lazy and like to shorten the fuck out of words to make new ones because it sounds cool. Or they like to smash words together to make new ones to take up less space in their mouths when they’re talking because a lot of us talk really fast and we don’t have a lot of time to be wasting with talking and words. We have to get it done right away. We’re the people that microwave our pop tarts and don’t you forget it.

2.       Why do white people like bearded men and horses so much?

It’s a hipster thing to like beards. I think because it harkens to some intellectual look or something. But most people just like the “rugged” look because it’s supposed to be manly. But actually have you looked at all of our ads? Most of the men in them have no hair…. Like at all. Apart from their head hair they’re waxed within an inch of their life and look like they’re cut from stone. It’s kind of weird and almost perverse.

3.       Why do white people like comparing arm tans?

Blame the truckers and the rednecks for this. Plus they want to see who’s darker. Everything’s a competition in the US. We’re born and raised to compete here. This spreads across all races, not just whites. You must tan better than your neighbor, your grass must be greener, must grow faster, and your TV must be bigger and have a better pixel rating or you’re not doing it right.

4.       WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE LIKE CHEESE SO MUCH?

Because it’s fucking delicious, that’s why. That’s totally not a white person thing either, cheese is an integral part of many cultural foods. There are over 700 different specialties of cheese in over 64 different countries and that’s not all just white people.

5.       Why do white people like to explore attics?

One word: Goonies. We’re all looking for treasure maps.

6.       Why do white people like the sand Dunes so much?

Where there are sand dunes, there’s usually dropped jewelry. You’ll likely fine someone with a metal detector around there somewhere looking for someone’s lost stuff. I shit you not. Plus a lot of cool shells get washed up there. We’re major hoarders.

7.       Why do white people like Kiss?

Not everyone does, but those that do think they were an amazing rock band. For their time they were. They did some pretty ground breaking shit at the time they were popular. You have to look at the context of when they were popular. If all that was around was folk musicians and pretty boring music and here comes this band that’s spitting blood and looking like they came straight out of some crack in the ground shot straight from Lucifer’s hands… you’d think that was pretty bad ass too. The 70s was pretty boring in terms of musical imagery. These days, people are pretty jaded so of course they’re boring looking so it’s all a matter of perspective.

8.       Why do white people like the woods so much?

It’s a nice place to go when your boss has been screaming at you all day, Facebook is pissing you off with your friends posting incessant photos of their kids who only they could consider adorable, you’re seeing nonstop posts of people going out to dinner, and you’re flat fucking broke all the time and the only texts you get are people who want to bitch at you and no one seems to care about what you feel… Hmmm am I bitter? Yeah I think so… So the woods are a nice place to go to get away from all that and just decompress before you go on a massive ass kicking spree. Plus they smell really nice. Try it some time. Less people would get hurt I think.

9.       Damn why do white people like pumpkin so much pumpkin pie pumpkin latte etc…

I’m not gonna lie… that shit is delicious. Have you tried it?? If you don’t like it, that’s cool. But it’s so good.

10.   Why do white people like playing in the snow. Snow is cold.

Yes it is! I HATE the snow. But there are some white people who are insane and do this thing where they want to best their buddies in a game of “Who’s more tough” (Remember that stuff about competition?) and they go out and try not to break their neck on skis, skates, and snowboards in the cold to see who can stand it the longest. It’s fun for a short while but it’s cold. Very very cold.

11.   Why do white people like Drake so much?

Who the fuck is Drake? No, seriously, who is that?

12.   Why do white people like hummus so much? it's literally chick peas.

It is but it’s got some extra stuff in there to season it so it’s more like a dip. It works with vegetables and bread. Try it some time. You won’t regret it. Especially when you get the stuff with the flavors. If you have some balls, get the hot pepper kind… You’ll cry.

13.   Wait why do white people like shark week so much?

They want to see the shark attack the guy. It’s like when you’re driving by an accident… everyone always hopes they’re gonna see a dead body.

14.   Why do white people like candy corn so much? I literally see 7 people in my class eating it.

Sugar was our first drug growing up. Candy corn is literally the most potent form you can get because it’s straight up corn syrup and wax essentially. Think of it as the crack-cocaine of the candy world. The shit cranks you out if you have it on an empty stomach. I eat that and I get a headache like I’ve just blown lines backstage at a Kiss concert.

15.   Why do white people like ray ban wayfarers so much smh

You can’t fuck with a classic. Enough said. I prefer Versace, Dior and D&G myself though.

16.   Why do white people like going to abandon houses or other places like have you not seen horror movies?

That’s exactly why. We all want that rush of “What if?” It’s fun to see what could happen. But I’ve had some black friends who go up in there too so it’s not just a white thing. Sometimes you find cool shit too. Goonies style.

17.   Why do white people like putting their bare feet on the dashboard?

We’re trying to air out the stank.

18.   Why do white people like to pick their own strawberries so much?

Yuppies. They think if they “work” for their food it makes them more interesting. I shit you not. But they only do this once a year and they pay to do this. It never occurs to most of them to just grow it in their own yard. Make sense? Nope.

19.   Why do white people like to cuddle so much during storms?

It’s a way to get laid! Try it lol!

20.   Why do white people like nutella so much.

It’s got chocolate in it. We like chocolate.

21.   Why do white people like kissing dogs in the mouth? Acting like it's good luck or something?

It’s actually gross IMHO. And if you have a cat in the house with the dog, rest assured that dog has eaten snacks out of that cat box.  It’s just what they do.

22.   What is a "color run" and why do white people like them so much?

It’s actually kind of cool. It’s an untimed run where every so often in the “race” the runners have paint dumped on them for fun and by the end of the race the point seems to be that no one knows who’s black, white, yellow, brown or what. Everyone’s equal. I can get behind that.

23.   Why do white people like to hunt ghosts?

It’s all about our endless search for meaning. White people always want “it all to mean something.” And I think they want to stop being afraid to live.

24.   Why do white people like avocados so much?

Some asshole in a drug rug and dredlocks told them it cleaned up free radicals in the body so now they like it. All fruit and vegetables are good.

25.   Why do white people like Christmas music so much that shit gets annoying?

It’s a forced sense of happiness that comes on each Christmas that is actually bullshit. People get happy for about 5 minutes once the season starts and then by the end they’re ready to Terry Tate your ass as soon as you get in their line or take the item they were looking at. Consumerism makes everyone evil. Again, race doesn’t matter in this situation.

26.   Why do white people like that Thrift Shop song so much?

Not sure what song this is? lol

27.   Why do white people love hot glue?

Blame Martha Stewart for this. Many people think that if they make a lot of useless shit with melted plastic and sell it on etsy that it somehow makes them more interesting because they can say, “I own my own crafting business.” But really it doesn’t make them interesting at all. They’re just providing the world with more useless crap to collect dust in someone else’s home.

28.   So why do white people love full house so much idgi

Because Bob Saget (the star) plays this overly nice “father knows best” guy when in reality he was this psycho coke head who hated everyone so watching it now and knowing this, it’s hilarious and ironic. And seeing little Michelle as a baby and knowing she is really part of a twin-set of drug addicted, eating disordered, fashion designers is kind of nuts.

29.   WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE MAKE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT FOR THEIR PETS?

Because they think their pets are kids.

30.   why do white people put their kids on leashes?

Because they think their kids are pets.

31.   why do white people love mason jars?

Because Martha Stewart told them to. They forget that this is actually meant for canning and preserving things to survive. Not to show of useless crafts.

32.   why do white people love the beach so much.. yall are always fucking there i dont get it?

They’re trying to devolve and go back to the water. Let them. Those are the ones we really don’t need.

33.   Why do white people dance like this though (Image of a white person dancing, we all know what it looks like)?

They’re having seizures from the bright lights.

34.   Why do white people say "idear" instead of idea? Where in the fuck is there an "r" in that word

Those are the southern white people. The ones in the north don’t talk like that.

35.   WTF is gluten exactly and why do white people hate it so much?

Okay… this one is a huge annoyance to me. Gluten is a protein that is found in wheat, barley, rye, and other members of the wheat family. Most people are fine when they eat it but there are others who have an intolerance to this protein and when they ingest it they’ll suffer a number of different effects like gas, bloating, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, neurological effects like numbness and tingling in the hands and feet, fogginess and difficulty concentrating, and other issues. Others have a full blown disease call celiac who have a worse form of intolerance who have all those symptoms but also have damage to the small intestine where it will become inflamed repeatedly over time and if this continues the individual runs the risk of stomach cancer. They also run the risk of becoming malnourished and can lose a lot of weight. – NOW… a lot of people have been under the impression that if they follow a gluten free diet they will lose weight. This is wrong. They’re fucking idiots. The only reason a person loses weight from a GF diet if they have an intolerance is because they’re bloated due to constant inflammation. Once they have leveled off, their weight loss stabilized. The truth is though that most GF foods have a lot of fat and calories in them so a GF diet cannot be sustained long term by a person who does not need to be on it, plus it is expensive. So for this reason anyone who doesn’t need to be on it, don’t bother. You’re a fucking moron for following that hype. Eat a balanced meal of whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and protein.

36.   Why do white people love 'turn down for what' so much?

No idea what that is either.

37.   Why do white people love cooking with beer so much?

It adds a nice flavor to food but because I had a gluten intolerance I can’t lol!

38.   Why do white people always say "have a good one" have a good what?

Remember what I said about us being lazy with our words? That’s one of the examples. This is a North thing. We’re just trying to be nice.

39.   Why do white people gotta be climbing everything?

Parkour!

40.   Why do white people say "for Pete's sake"??? Who is Pete?

St. Peter. They don’t want to take Jesus’ name in vain and say “Jesus Christ” I say roll out the “What the Fuck!?” It’s much more bad ass.

So there you have it. 40 questions for white people answered.

Challenge accomplished.