Before even writing this post, the very idea of it scared the shit out of me. I watch the media very closely on this subject and when I see how much hatred is directed at certain subsets in our society, I become so fearful that I will be dragged into that and I'll be forced into the fight to defend myself and my identity. As if having to defend myself for having a mental illness wasn't bad enough right?
I think what pushes me to say what I'm about to say though is the fact that I have to be true to myself above all else and I now get why gay men and women feel the need to tell others that they are gay. When it's such an integral part of who you are as a person, to not share that with others almost feels like you're living a double life. Sadly though, it's not just me who is affected by this and that has been the second part of my fear. I worry so often how others will see my husband. Will he be dragged into this for being with someone like me? What will his family think? His friends? Our colleagues. When I voiced this to him he said, quite simply, "I don't fucking care. You are who you are and I love you." That is what has given me the courage to finally say this: I am transgender.
I've hinted at it for a long time. I've joked with others. "It depends on the day." I've slipped in during awareness conversations that I understand how it feels. Only, maybe I don't. Because I'm not physically changing anything about myself in order to fit society's role of what a man is. I'm not insisting on pronoun changes, I'm not seeking out medical intervention. Nothing changes except the fact that anyone who reads this knows that Dae is trans and Dae accepts this... with the very deepest hope that you will too.
This past year has forced me to come to terms with what gender actually is and my answer is still, "i don't know." Genitalia does not make one a man or a woman. Clothes do not make one a man or a woman. Mannerisms do not make one a man or a woman. So what does? Ultimately I think it's the spirit of the individual. Deep down when you ask yourself who you are, what you are, what comes up? For me, that voice answers, "You are a man or you are neither."
I don't ask that you do anything to change the way you have acted toward me. I am still me. I am still going to wear ridiculous amounts of make up, strange clothing, collect shoes and handbags, and be the me that I've always been... but with the knowledge that I am not a "real" woman. I don't relate to the whole woman mindset and I wouldn't want to. When I hear a man's point of view it makes sense to me. When I see men doing "manly" jobs, I envy them because if I didn't have this body I could do what they do too. I wouldn't be hit on the way I am sometimes... though I find it hysterical when it's a totally burly man's man finding me attractive not knowing who I really am inside.
I feel like those of us who acknowledge who we are inside, embrace it, but still live within whatever normal we have created for ourselves are the true champions of the trans community because those who have worked to change their bodies to fit some idealized version of themselves are only playing into society's rules. I find I have a more deep respect for biologically born male friends who identify as female but still remain male in appearance than i do for those who will fight for years to change and hope for acceptance. There is no right way to be transgendered but I don't feel that I need to physically be anything different. I just have to accept what I feel and hope that those who love me will still love me with this knowledge.
Either way, everyone is beautiful in their own way and we're all fighting some battle for self actualization. For me this is just one more step toward that.
Thanks for reading and I hope you'll still be friends with me now that you know.
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