Don't call me Caitlin

Before even writing this post, the very idea of it scared the shit out of me. I watch the media very closely on this subject and when I see how much hatred is directed at certain subsets in our society, I become so fearful that I will be dragged into that and I'll be forced into the fight to defend myself and my identity. As if having to defend myself for having a mental illness wasn't bad enough right?

I think what pushes me to say what I'm about to say though is the fact that I have to be true to myself above all else and I now get why gay men and women feel the need to tell others that they are gay. When it's such an integral part of who you are as a person, to not share that with others almost feels like you're living a double life. Sadly though, it's not just me who is affected by this and that has been the second part of my fear. I worry so often how others will see my husband. Will he be dragged into this for being with someone like me? What will his family think? His friends? Our colleagues. When I voiced this to him he said, quite simply, "I don't fucking care. You are who you are and I love you." That is what has given me the courage to finally say this: I am transgender.

I've hinted at it for a long time. I've joked with others. "It depends on the day." I've slipped in during awareness conversations that I understand how it feels. Only, maybe I don't. Because I'm not physically changing anything about myself in order to fit society's role of what a man is. I'm not insisting on pronoun changes, I'm not seeking out medical intervention. Nothing changes except the fact that anyone who reads this knows that Dae is trans and Dae accepts this... with the very deepest hope that you will too.

This past year has forced me to come to terms with what gender actually is and my answer is still, "i don't know." Genitalia does not make one a man or a woman. Clothes do not make one a man or a woman. Mannerisms do not make one a man or a woman. So what does? Ultimately I think it's the spirit of the individual. Deep down when you ask yourself who you are, what you are, what comes up? For me, that voice answers, "You are a man or you are neither."

I don't ask that you do anything to change the way you have acted toward me. I am still me. I am still going to wear ridiculous amounts of make up, strange clothing, collect shoes and handbags, and be the me that I've always been... but with the knowledge that I am not a "real" woman. I don't relate to the whole woman mindset and I wouldn't want to. When I hear a man's point of view it makes sense to me. When I see men doing "manly" jobs, I envy them because if I didn't have this body I could do what they do too. I wouldn't be hit on the way I am sometimes... though I find it hysterical when it's a totally burly man's man finding me attractive not knowing who I really am inside.

I feel like those of us who acknowledge who we are inside, embrace it, but still live within whatever normal we have created for ourselves are the true champions of the trans community because those who have worked to change their bodies to fit some idealized version of themselves are only playing into society's rules. I find I have a more deep respect for biologically born male friends who identify as female but still remain male in appearance than i do for those who will fight for years to change and hope for acceptance. There is no right way to be transgendered but I don't feel that I need to physically be anything different. I just have to accept what I feel and hope that those who love me will still love me with this knowledge.

Either way, everyone is beautiful in their own way and we're all fighting some battle for self actualization. For me this is just one more step toward that.

Thanks for reading and I hope you'll still be friends with me now that you know.

kicking it old school

How do you get to sleep? Burrowing under lots of blankets and taking melatonin.

What happened at the last party you went to? I don't recall... it obviously wasn't exciting if I can't remember.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? I'm a veritable chimney.

What’s your hair like at this present moment? Long, black, and flat ironed.

Are you more comfortable sitting or lying down? Depends on the surface but as long as I'm not standing, I'm good.

What’s the worst film you’ve ever seen? The Room. There are no words.

Are you an untidy person? I'm careless.

Have you ever been a fan of N*Sync? Nope.

Do you watch a lot of television? More than I used to. Mostly procedural crime shows.

Do you think you’re fat sometimes? Sometimes? Really?

Do you like to flex your muscles? No, I don't like gun shows.

Do you think you’ll ever get plastic surgery? Absolutely.

Have you ever completely misunderstood what somebody was saying? All the time. I don't get most people.

Favorite kind of cake: Cake.

Was it a boy or a girl to text you last? Dude. Shaun.

Name something you are doing tomorrow? Bringing home Trixie the kitty cat. :)

Do you sleep on your stomach? Never. It hurts my ribs.

Where are you going to be at 4 PM tomorrow? Ludlow.

Last time you saw fireworks, with whom & where? Here at work with two of the residences and one of the outreach participants.

Are you missing someone? Not at all.

Do you like horror or comedy? Horror. Most comedies are idiotic.

Who did you last share a taxi with? We're going back to 2006 now... I think it was Alla and Peter.

Dogs or cats? I love both equally. Unfortunately landlords only allow cats... racists.

What were you doing at 12 this afternoon? Getting ready for work.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Absolutely.

What’s your favorite season? Why? Fall. It smells awesome and Halloween is like my x-mas.

When’s the last time you did something you knew was wrong? I don't believe in "right or wrong" I believe in not getting caught and not intentionally causing bodily/emotional harm to others. Apart from that, I do what I want.

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up? Yeah from Sharon.

Who was the last person you hugged? Shaun. Before him it was either my mom or Jeanette.

Do you think you would be a good parent? I think so. I'd start by doing the opposite of everything my parents did so that's a start...

When was the last time you cried? When I received Myron's ashes.

Who was driving the last time you were in a car? Shaun.

Does any part of your body hurt right now? Back. Always my back.

Do you like your bed? I like being in it but it's not very comfortable.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I imagine so. Not really worried about it.

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? Easter and it was extraordinarily awkward. He's kind of a douchebag.

Do you ever want to know who you are going to marry? I'm already married.

How much cash do you have on you? Like 5 cents?

Are you tanned? Gross. No. I hate tans. It's like a neon sign saying, "I SO want cancer. Please!" Seriously, it's not healthy and people need to stop thinking it is.

Did you get any compliments today? No. Compliments really don't do anything for me unless it's from Shaun.

Have you ever gone to court? And how...

Do you get jealous easily? I used to. When I'm in a new relationship I'm fucking terrible but once I'm settled in I'm good.

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks? I have. Cape Cod has all kinds and when I went to the Islands when I was a kid I snorkled with some. Obviously not Great Whites but they were still sharks. There was also a barracuda in the water too.

What are you doing Saturday? It is saturday and I'm at work.

What is in your back pocket? Which one? I have a work phone in the left and my cell in the right.

What were you doing at 3 AM this morning? Reading a book.

What do you usually do first in the morning? Yawn and stretch.

Are you any good at math? Not really.

Any plans for Friday night? Never. I'm always working.

Do you have a little crush on someone? Yeah, my husband.