Fuck you, pay me.

It’s rather amazing what a year will do to a person. This time last year I found myself in such a state. I was terribly depressed because my wedding was fast approaching and it was supposed to be the happiest time in my life but I felt so out of sorts. My mother wasn’t even remotely interested in helping me plan my wedding and had essentially been absent from the entire process. It had been a year since my best friend went into the hospital when the port for her chemotherapy got infected and the infection went systemic and after 3 years of battling breast cancer she died very suddenly. Something I wasn’t even remotely ready for and even now when I allow myself to think about it for too long I crack in half from the pain of how much I miss her. They say it gets easier with time but I think when you let down the wall you build to keep the hurt from really hitting you, you realize that it doesn’t get easier. The wall just gets stronger from holding the flood that keeps trying to crash through it. But sometimes it leaks. Like now. Thankfully it’s like some of our storms here and it passes quick.

Complicating matters was trying to work through the difficulty of the job I had at the time and my inability to fit in there, the lack of friends even after two years of living in this area and feeling like an alien no matter what I did to fix it. Nothing I did worked. I got medication to regulate my moods and make me less volatile, I tried to talk less, I tried to talk more when that wasn’t appropriate, I tried to model the behavior of others, finally I just gave up. Nothing was right and I lost the few people I had left. I conceded that I had no one left and the bridal party that I was left with were made of my last remaining close friend at the time, a friend of Shaun’s, one of his family members, and a girl I knew from work whom I had hoped would become a friend but eventually turned out to be someone I couldn’t trust. Which is difficult for me to do anyway with my past. She made it worse and a few months later she was banished. Ask most that used to be friends with me, they’ll tell you what a terrible person I am. :P

Sadly I got to thinking a lot about friendships lately and it’s funny because around this time last year and even recently I was so desperate for friends. To the point that I was begging, almost literally, for people to just CARE about me. I would almost literally do anything for anyone to just SEE me and what I had to say or think. I’m not sure what changed or why. Maybe it was one of the last messages I received from a former friend who told me one final time what a terrible person I am and I broke. Maybe it was reading through some of the old text messages I sent to a current acquaintance of mine where I sounded almost pathetic and I didn't want to be that person begging for validation. Maybe it was my self-imposed isolation from people recently where I realized that I wouldn’t die if no one came around. Maybe it was everything. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe it was realizing that the people that DO care make themselves known in their own ways and that it’s just a weird form of friendship that we have and my expectations needed to be checked because they’re so far out of alignment compared to what is normal because of my experience of being raised by a woman with narcissistic personality disorder and all of the abuse I experienced (I will NOT say suffered because I am not a victim) growing up made me unable to differentiate what is normal and what isn’t. Now that I’m figuring it out I’m okay with being by myself more often than not. Now I’m starting to see a lot of things about a lot of people that I don’t like with a rare couple of exceptions. I also see things about myself that I don't like either. Especially the fact that I don't like how I've let it all affect me so much.

It’s unfortunate but the majority of my adult life I’ve felt used and fucked over and this has not changed and I don’t see that it’s something that will change unless I’m less “eager” to assume that people are what they appear to sell when I meet them. I used to be so hopeful that people were good when I was younger. I wanted to believe that people were what they said they were. That when they wanted to be my friend they were genuine but I’ve learned to live with a lot of disappointment in this. One of the last e-mails I received from a former friend was a blast saying that I think I’m being used a lot but the sad reality is that I’ve experienced this more often than I’ve ever wanted. Having been the kid with the pool  growing up, I was ignored all school year but when summer vacation rolled around I was never at a loss for friends because of that pool. When I got older and I began working in the music industry at 17 or 18 years of age it turned into people skulking around for free admission to shows, chances to meet the band I worked with. Then it was looking to meet the other bands I met. Later it was looking for free opportunities to get good gigs. When I married my ex and we had money I was the first person people called for a loan. When I lost my money and the gig in music, those friends were gone. When I started music again, I suddenly had a lot of people to talk to again. I was never lonely. When I even had a little money again, there were always people around to buy drinks for. My tab was long at the end of the night. I never said no. But I was well liked. I was essentially a whore without the sex. I'd trade favors for friendship. Sad.

It went away again for a long time. But then I had gigs to share again. Suddenly my phone wasn’t quiet and my Facebook numbers were climbing. It was starting all over again. Until I killed the band. Then it died down. But now here comes a new band and while my personal profile has crickets chirping, I’ll sign into the new one to 7 or 8 messages. A radio show yields more bands asking for favors. Now I have a magazine gig. What’s that going to yield? More fake friends I’m sure.

I’m glad I made and kept the friends that I did in the last two to three years. Because the new ones that come are far from genuine. I can’t even call them friends. If someone can’t bother to sit and get to know me before they ask me for a favor or only talk to me for the duration of whatever it is I can do for them… I’m not interested. I’ve been through all that. If that’s all I’m worth then it’s good to just put that out there right away. I don’t do the fake anymore. If I wanted that I would’ve just gone to LA like I’d planned to years ago. I stayed here and I moved to western Mass in the pursuit of some genuine friendships. I heard people out here were nice but all I’ve found is more unkindness and more reason to believe I’m right in keeping myself closed off.

It’s hard to believe in the good sometimes but I push myself to stop falling into that cynicism. I'm just to the left of jaded but only JUST so. I wish people would prove me wrong once and for all. I really do. Only a few have and for those people I'm grateful for that small act of grace. There's that at least. But it's discouraging at times when the only time I ever meet anyone new is when they want something from me and when they get what they want, I'm cast out. It's like one of my friends said, "They just take a bite out of you and leave." It's sad but true. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I think it's a side effect of the music business sometimes. It sucks and it's annoying. Many people think we're fuckin' free or something. But we're not. I think I need a shirt that says, "Oh you want a favor? Fuck you, pay me." 

 There's nice and then there's being a sap.